Tuesday, October 24, 2006
So I’ve decided I’ve become too bitter and cynical. Actually, I’m bitter and I complain too much. Weird, since I’ve never been a complainer, but I hate how it makes me feel, and ultimately it gets me nowhere, unless I do I go about it in an educated manner and to people who can make a difference. But that’s not the case recently. Work is about as bad as it could get. Twice the workload, half the man-power. So it’s 4 times harder than it was, and it’s never been easy. Still, I enjoy my job. Only I’m harboring quite a bit of resentment towards my supervisor for implementing all sorts of changes, and neglecting us on top of that so he doesn’t see that all of his plans aren't working, but I do understand he’s got his plate full right now. It’s things like that I’ve lost sight of; other people's sides that is. We’re all busy, and my complaining is just making the general attitude worse. I need to find some hope. And if I fall short it’s not for lack of trying on my part, so what more can they ask? I need to communicate with my superiors better. Something someone I work with hit me pretty hard too--more on that later. And while I disagree with her that I signed up for all this, I agree that attitude is very important. The fact is, it wasn’t like this when I started, but I did choose to stay with it when changes started happening. They’ve been happening for a while, just not so drastically as recently. And while what they’re heaping on us isn’t right, I think they’ll realize that soon. I’ve been thinking a lot about switching sections lately; the same thing is stopping me now that has in the past—I love my co-workers, for the most part. In any other section I may encounter good people, but it’s not possible to encounter the quantity and quality of those I already work with, and after all, attitude is important and people you are around help set the attitude.
And so I am implementing a two-fold plan: A) no whining or complaining unless it’s in an constructive manner that takes into account everyone else’s shoes, and B) maintain a positive outlook. Also I guess I could throw in there working like crazy. I’ve become too comfortable taking a lazy pathway as of late, and really I need to remember that I love my field of study, and it’s worth all the pain to learn and grow within it. That’s the main point my co-worker hit me with. It was actually a question, “Do you think you’re cut out for this program?” (the Med Lab Sci program that is). It really kind of stung me, the audacity of that question, and at that moment it felt like she was questioning my abilities, but the more I think about it the less insulted I am. I don’t think it was meant to insult my abilities, because she knows I’m highly competent at what I do, but more as a prod in the right direction. I think it stung so much because I’d been wondering that question myself. And of course when she asked it I immediately felt compelled to rush to my own defense in a slightly combative way--of course I am!—only I was too shocked to be too combative. And the more we discussed it all, the more it made me realize that I need to continually ask myself that. And what I’ve found is that I am cut out for it, if I’m pushing myself as hard as I know I can—I simply need to break out of my indifferent state of mind I’ve found myself caught up in lately. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from distance running, it’s that to be really good you have to put yourself out of your comfort zone, otherwise you won’t get any better, and ultimately you won’t be happy. If you push like crazy, it hurts at the time, but you feel so great afterwards, and you find yourself stronger than you ever thought possible when you first started. I need to do that.
When I first started thinking about that question I immediately got scared and thought back to the time when I had this same predicament with Comp Sci. There I found out that I didn’t enjoy it enough to stick it out, and it took me a while to decide on the the Medical Laboratory Science program. I’ve had little doubts ever since, just because I’m scared of making similar mistakes to those I have made in the past. So I asked myself, did I really know what I was getting myself into? Then I started praying like crazy. That’s something else I need to better implement. Less methodical motions, more feeling put into them. I haven’t been in the place I should be in, due to the stresses of life, in quite some time, but I’m slowly making my way back there and setting my priorities straight. And I’m slowly getting to the point where I don’t feel so alone, so I think it will be easier to bare the difficulties I'm encountering now. But I need to better prioritize, because I do enjoy learning about science, it’s fascinating enough that even when it’s painful to learn I still enjoy what I’m learning. I need to keep an open mindset, and then the joy in learning will balance out the pain in learning. It will still be hard, but if God’s on my side can I really go wrong?